Steal My Beauty at I'm Not Obsessed

A popular celebrity blog just added a new style section to the site and I'm very happy to annouce that I'm the male beauty guru!

I'll be writing about men's products at Beauty.ImNotObsessed.com

I think this means, at least for now, I won't be posting new Steal My Beauty sections here.

This week at I'm Not Obsessed with Beauty:

Revisiting an old classic meets something new and organic

Best Men's Toner and the frugal alternative

My favorite all-over scrub and a great every day anti-acne wash

Ultimate shave and lather brush

Beauty Weapons and hand defense

Stainless Steel Foot Smoother

Steal My Beauty :: Aqua Fresh White Trays

I've tried a few whitening agents without much success, until now.

Aqua Fresh White Trays :: $40

I noticed a difference, but don't think I'm going to show you a nasty picture with grungy yellow teeth and an after shot with sparkly whites. My teeth were ok before, just, well, off-white.

The only problem I had was the same with Crest White Strips. Even just once a day instead of twice, I missed a day because I was out and had things to do and didn't have 30-45 minutes to sit around with two trays of whitening gel in my mouth.

It was much worse with Crest white strips; I have no idea if they work or not because I used them so sporadically. I just kept forgetting and could not find the time to sit around for half an hour (twice) without talking, eating or smoking crack. No, I've never smoked crack. Crack is whack! And also very bad for your teeth.

I've actually typed this entire entry wearing the new Aqua Fresh white trays, and I'd have to say the taste is not good. My mouth is not in a totally happy place right now. Still, all this week I've noticed my teeth seemed brighter and whiter. I only skipped one day. I don't think that made a big difference.

They're expensive, more than I'd like to spend, but after a week (or so) there is a noted change. With still one treatment left, I'd buy them again to get my grill going really super ultra bright.

Wait, can you bleach your teeth to death? I wouldn't want to do that.

Steal My Beauty :: Hair

Ok, by now y'all know what this is all about: I'm a hot bitch on a budet, so let my bathroom be your guide to beauty!

I'm an American Crew convert.

Peppermint Cleanse :: $10

No, it ain't Suave, bitches. I said hot bitch on a budget not crack whore at the dollar store. While yes, almost all shampoos contain the same active ingredient (Sodium Laureth Sulfate) it's the other stuff that makes the difference. Some products will leave your hair feeling dry and looking like straw. There is no point in saving money if you don't look cute.

Of course, everyone has different hair care needs, but in general there is no need to wash your hair every single day. Even a gentle cleanser can strip out the healthy oils and take away your natural shine. Not my shine! NOOOOO!!

In case you don't speak drama queen, I'm saying don't over wash. I usually go every other day or even two days in-between. I tend to use about a dime size amount, very little, to wash out dirt and oil. If I've been wearing a hat or something I might rinse and repeat to get a good lather going for a deep clean.

A friend of mine -- who happens to be a hairstylist -- turned me on to this product. Before I was using some pretty generic crap, because I was under the mistaken impression shampoos were all the same. I had used really expensive stuff and really cheap stuff; maybe I just wasn't paying attention because I hadn't noticed a difference. With the peppermint cleanse, I do. It smells great and makes my hair feel silky without leaving it limp and lifeless.

While I believe in bargain shopping, there is such a thing as getting what you pay for.

Fiber Molding Creme :: $14

My hair is super extremely fine, texture-wise. There's a lot of it and it grows very quickly, but each hair is baby fine and ultra soft. It can be very difficult to style because most products make it too greasy, flat and dirty, or it looks slick to the point of being wet.

Then one day I found the ultimate styling product by Redkin called "manouver." It was promptly discontinued. I was sad.

I've tried some other stuff that worked, but it was expensive, so I continued my search for something under my personal limit of $20. Finally, after seeking the advice of countless salon professionals, I ran into this dude with fine hair who told me he used Fiber. I was like really? I love their shampoo!

What I like about this stuff, aside from being about half the price of similar products, is that it has a clean, dry finish (and can be used on any hair type). To use: I get a small amount on the tip of my middle finger, rub into my palms and whip it through dry hair.

Aussie Mega Hair Spray :: $5

To finish...a quick, all-over mist to battle the wind demons. This spray has, well, mega hold. It also smells really good. I've had dudes literally stop mid-makeout session to tell me how good my hair smells. Seriously.

I do this totally 80s, upside down application technique -- for maximum volume -- but I doubt it's completely necessary. I'm just addicted to the head rush.

Steal My Beauty :: Moisture Secrets

Running a day late because I've been out of my mind this week. Let's get right to it!


Aloe Vera Gel :: $9

I don't know if I need to say this every single week, but I'm a hot bitch on a budget. Word.

This product is a true beauty secret. Cooling aloe vera forms a protective barrier that helps retain moisture. Fruit of the Earth contains the highest concentrated amount of fresh Aloe Vera leaves on the market. Look for 100% gel with only aloe vera, no additives.

Allegedly, aloe vera gel promotes healing and has other medical properties. It's great right out of the shower, but most fabulous after shaving. Or course we all know aloe very helps relieve sunburn and rashes. It can be used all over for just about anything. Sometimes I put a little in my hair as conditioner. It's also said to treat acne.

The only drawback is that it's a bit juicy. You may want to only use it at night.

Besides, you want to protect your skin with SPF during the day.


Aveeno Face SPF 30 :: $10

Apply to the face, neck and any other exposed skin. Daily. Duh.

It always seems to me that people want some magic secret that delivers a desired result without any effort. It really doesn't work that way. Being smart is the secret. Use your head. To prevent sun damage and premature aging, use sunscreen. Daily. Seriously, it does not get easier than that.


Udderly Smooth :: $5

This is how I keep my udder so smooth. Ask anyone, they'll tell you I have the smoothest love handle in town!

As the name suggests, the original formula was applied to cow teats. Yee-haw!

Definitely a bit greasy, this is reserved for really dry skin problems. Like when my heels get about as dry as sandpaper after going too long without taking the pumice stone to them. Slather being a key and sexy word here, I cover the problem area with the creamy white udderly smooth and cover with sox.

Skin so soft, it's like buttah. Seriously.

Steal My Beauty :: Lips

Holy freaking crap it's Friday again already.

It seems like just seven days ago I dipped into my magical bag of tricks to reveal unbelievable truths that are probably still shocking you to your core. While may be derisive, personal hygiene is serious shit. People spend a great deal of time and money investing in beauty and I feel -- as your trusted gay -- it's my job, nay, duty to share my secrets.

So far, we've covered washing your face and smelling good. I never claimed this weekly update was going to break new ground. I merely suggest that the best beauty secrets are surprisingly everyday items everyone can get on the cheap. If you're spending more than $25 on a single product, believe me, I've tried just about everything and you're probably overpaying.

When it comes to this week's product, it is my oh-so-humble opinion that it may in fact be the most overpriced beauty item on the market. I've seen $50 containers of lip gloss that are nothing more than repackaged Vaseline. Read the labels, people!

Blistex Medicated Lip Balm :: $2

Now, I know, when you think beauty you don't think the checkout counter at Target. But for real, Blistex! This stuff is the bomb I swear. It's basically bees wax with sunscreen. It glides on and really seals in moisture to prevent drying. Nothing beats and/or prevents chapped lips better.

Additionally, this stuff works wonders when you have a cold. Got dry, chapped nose holes? Slap on some Blistex Medicated. It also works as a sexual lubricant in a pinch. Okay, that last part is a lie.

Steal My Beauty :: Face

Well here we are, dear reader. FFF!

Finally. Fucking. Friday.

I get a little joy out of this new feature, which lets me prove all those magazine beauty editors shill over-priced products you don't need. There is a certain satisfaction to a low-budget approach. Look fabulous at half the price. That's a smart bitch in my book.

That means it's once again time to let my bathroom be your guide to beauty. This week, I even have an added bonus for y'all. I really couldn't break up these two essentials: face wash -- and -- face scrub.

Cetaphil :: $11

Yup, it's just that simple. Nothing fancy is necessary to properly clean your face.

Cetaphil is a cheap, gentle clenser that works for all skin types. It has a very, very light lather and silky smooth texture that moisturizes. When using, I apply to the face, wet to lather and then rinse. As with anything for the face, also use on the neck.


THIS IS THE RULE: You want to cleanse the skin before exfoliating. Hence the order of products listed here. Yes, I know! I'm always thinking ahead. We don't want you to be half beautiful. This goes for body, too: Always wash first. Otherwise, you're just pushing the dirt and oil around.

100% Pure Strawberry Scrub :: $18

Technically this is a body scrub, but part of being beautiful is using your brain to be more prettier. Some body scrubs are way too harsh and you seriously end up looking like you have rug burn on your face. However, I observed the grains of this concoction were softer in texture and it proved to be a superoir face product.

Plus, I could literally eat the strawberry scrub with a spoon. It's just that yummy. 100% Pure also happens to be a line that vegans can use, at least that's what the label says -- and we all know labels don't lie! Ok, yes, they do. But I think in this case that's the whole point. Not to lie; but to make a vegan product. Anyways, it's good. You may not want to throw down $20 for a face scrub, but it's currently on sale at bath and body works (linked above) for about $9.

Oh, dear reader, there's so much more to come! You'll be looking super-fucking-fly by the time I'm done with you. Trust.

Steal My Beauty

So I'm on lé toilét the other day, reading one of those faggy magazines I subscribe to and I came across one of those product round-up review type things.

You need something to read on the potty. Magazines are like little snack-size bytes of information, perfect for about 20-minutes of passing interest without getting too deep -- plus the bamboo rack in my bathroom is cute but not strong enough to hold books. Anyways that's not the point.

As I read the article round-up review thing further, I noticed several things. Obviously, being a writer the first thing I always think when reading any feature is the same: I could have done better

In reality, this was actually a pretty good article. It was well rounded, not to mention one of the choices matched my own.

Now, let's pause for a moment to do a little faggonomitry: If the sum of products equals level of gayness, then I'm queerer than queer. Consider this; let it sink in. Compute, if you will, the sheer volume of potions and lotions at my disposal. Yes, I'm that gay.

While there were a few additional products adding bulk, such as an organic line that was highlighted in the article, I noted little overlap. That is to say each product on the list had a specific purpose for each designated body area. It wasn't like they listed five good shampoos. Just one. It was fairly comprehensive.

In reading page after page of product listings, my own personal arsenal felt dwarfed in comparison. NO! Did I miss a gay-points bulletin? Are there secret products I don't know about? This simply cannot be. I've had a beauty regimen since I was a pre-teen gay, there's no way some dopey lifestyle magazine I was reading on the crapper was going to out do me!

So I made my own God dammed list.

Each week, I’ll highlight one new item. Let my bathroom be your guide to beauty, dear reader.

I wanted to start with the common item: Signature Scent.

Kitson Black for men :: $65

This is definitely one of the most expensive items on my list. I'm one of those frugal bitches. Not to mention -- for the most part -- cleaning products and all that crap is the same shit in different packaging. I always make a point to read the ingredients label on something before I buy it, as there is no reason to spend two or three times as much just because of the label. Falling for that kind of shit is just plain gullible. Cologne is a bit different because they're very complicated and unique. You don't want to buy your signature scent at the .99 cent store.

I picked this one because it smelled good on me. Obviously that’s a key factor, but I can't just smell something in the bottle or a tester and decide on it. I have to smell it on me. My body changes whatever I put on it because I’m so bitter. I mean sweet! I'm made of sugar!

What I like about it: Solid, but not overpowering. The scent is fruity, woody, but not woody like a hamster cage. There’s something weird about smelling like cedar chips, if you ask me.

The packaging isn't over-done or pretentious. It's sleek, simple and classy. Just like me.

Okay, you can stop laughing now, fuckers.